Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
