between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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