he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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