genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
