stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
