your parents love me but you hate me
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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