If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
