Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
