apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
