thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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