his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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