the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
