Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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