Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
