my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
