just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
