How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
