Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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