I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
