New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
