I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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