I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize