I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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