i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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