i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Text me some of your sweat
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
