After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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