im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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