Pass out mid-funnel last night.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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