thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She told me I should be a condom model.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
