Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
