I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
