I think I won the penis lottery.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
