Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Drunk is not a location!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
