Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
