I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize