I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
