I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
