I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
