He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
