dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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