Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
