I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
