Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The air was thick with penises
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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