I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
