You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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