whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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