Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
