He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
