All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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