we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
