I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
