its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
