I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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