True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
