im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
