Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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