last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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