Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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