the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
