i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Duck Duck Cougar?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
