I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
